jacks88

08:51 pm

Thought id write in here and if anyone reads it then they have my love....Ive been reading a lot of old messages today and they have made me smile......a world before my world became all work ....a world where i lived in my head because i couldnt face the one I lived in....a world where i had only my friends to cling to.........and they helped me become reborn..........and today i walk in the world barefoot like a child my toes in the sand feeling the the wind in my hair and walking on a path that i dont know will end where...punctuation was never my plus point.....no one will proably read this but its written anyway and i wanted to thank you for being there when i needed you. and that i will never forget.

04:02 pm

right im fed up im depressed and i dont care if this has no punctuation. i am having pc problems like there are no tomorrow. school is a nightmare. ive had blood test and a referral to the hospital i am having trouble holding my temper together. im sick of having no money. i hate the wtc people. i need some sunshine and a holiday. im so tired.

05:03 pm

well this weekend i was a bit bad.....bearing in mind i now have sinusitis and thw biggest sorest cold sore that i have had for years, im extremely run down and A*** brought me a load of vitamins...

anyway.........we were in safeways when i saw the twat and his preggers girlfriend. this meant i gave him a sneer of utter derision. unable to comtrol his obvious excitement at the sight of me, he came back for a second look. i was bemused as his gf was trying to hold him back desperatley. i said well if you want to say hello or something go on. of course he bounded over...gf clutching his arm. at which point my mouth opened and i heard my self say ....that wasnt very nice what you did to j the other day. gf's eyes popped and she started to have a go at me. i turned, sneered and said 'excuse me im talking to t** not you.' Her eyes got even bigger. Didnt improve her looks none. so i carried on with my comments to him which where that 'just because j said hello didnt mean that it wasnt upsetting or nasty.' She started again...'why are you trying to embarrass him?' I laughed and said 'excuse me? this is between me and t** and im not talking to you.' Sadly she got rather stressed and noisy and dragged him off with a loud 'come on darling!!!' Amusingly he seemed less than enthusiastic as he tried to grab my hand as she pulled him away in the manner of a rather dodgy store detctive making a reluctant arrest. Im not sure but i think he was terrifed....never have i seen a man more under thumb!! pmsl!! ah well we reap what we sow............

05:05 pm - ummmm tired???

well i would like a more original title but its the one which feels right...im barely able to drag my weary carcass around.

so whats been happening? well i had the same kid attack me in the last two/three weeks, each times hes gone wild, ive been there and ive ended up on the recieving end. the last time he took me right down on the floor with him. thing is...ive had to restrain him but its like trying to stop a wild animal...really. he goes dead weight hence me dropping too. ive hurt my shoulder, its been twice THAT happened, but the last time...friday it was bad. so they try getting the parents in....and none of the numbers work. so they have spoken to his cousin??i think....and the letter went home tonight. well he had a nother fight today...and ive been avoiding him anyway...but ffs..i have to get involved no one else is there.well he went with me ok..didnt hit me or anything but i was appalled to realise just how jumpy i was. ive never been afraid to move but i was this time....sad isnt it. and the best bit is hes not even 10 yet....what he will be like at 17...well i dont even want to think about it.


the other thing naffing me off today has been the saga of the pastry...j*** has cooking....and needs frozen puff or flaky pastry...and i ended up getting the wrong on on sunday....i got shortcrust...so i had to drag my weary body onto the bus...and fork out 2.40 in fares....plus another 1.39 for the pastry. this cooking had better been the best ive ever tasted cos its cost me a bloody fortune!!

so im tired ....oh and im the fattest ive ever been...shame cos i could do with stuffing my face!!

theres always tomorrow.........

08:25 pm - tired

well here i am again....drained. i have an infection in my stomach caused by the antibotics. i knew it would happen, its not the first time. doctors just think your making a fuss. mind you i tend to lose my appetite when it happens, lets just hope it comes back under control. plus i have an allergic reaction to my hrt patches, yes i have patches they keep me feeling normal and not hormonal!! however the burning of the reaction is driving me insane and i have an attractive acreage of bright red sore places on my hips...oh the attractiveness. so despite the long absence from here im getting as crushed as ever by school. i have a timetable that doesnt allow me to breathe never mind anything else. i have to learn from scratch three catch up programmmes and teach groups of 12 children at a time. pity i havent the teachers pay or training. i gibber my way through one lesson to the next in a state of panic wanting to do my best but dreadfully afraid that im failing. i had a bit of an angry weekend when the idiot tim paraded outside my house in front of my child. he has known j*** 7 and a half years. yet doesnt seem to see that a sense of decency would be a gentle and admirable thing to have. but im glad that he finally has the partner he deserves. that fact causes me no end of amusement...what goes around.... speaking of the child....have been speaking to his father who insists that he is arrogant and thick etc....yet doesnt understand that a little praise goes a long way. sometimes i wonder what the hell i used as my criteria for a partner. he pointed out to me oh so pedantically that he left when j*** was five and ahalf......so therefore all his failings are mine......pmsl........nothing to do with not seeing his dad enough then eh?????? so here i am............tired so bloody tired.........im in bed by half ten each night unable to stay up til all hours anymore. im feeling old and small. my eyes peek out from puffy swoollen eyelids, you would think that i never got any rest at all. maybe i dont. i wish i had a blanket to curl up in and hide myself away. i have no energy to think or be creative. im a shadow of myself. where have i gone too??? maybe im the ghost now.

01:24 pm - tuts....

well another weekends cavorting under my belt......have been musing over the fact that i had two different people tell me that i had ghosts stood by me....pity i cant see them!!! what a tease eh?? have been wondering if im closed down to it...maybe i could see as a kid but stopped myself cos i was so scared. god knows.. im becoming more and more confused by everything. im going to try and just listen to me and be confident in what i feel. i get better results when i work on instinct..i just cant prove that it is anything over than my busy little mind working over time and as for the pendulum...well thats even more crazy....

theres this certain sense of needing to grow...to improve what im doing through this. not by becoming all airy fairy but by quantifying what i feel correctly..not letting anyone else influence what i feel just because im not very confident at times.

however i had a certain amount of fun, i think im trying too hard to see things now....i need to relax and open myself up a bit more maybe..

did i see anything?? well i saw something whether it was supernatural or not i cant tell you...i can only say what i saw not what it was...or if it was supernatural...i tell you ..what you make of it is your choice!! i wish id had more time to spend in the kings room...i have a feeling about next time but i doubt i will get the chance to have enough time or strength of mind to do it...maybe..maybe i will...watch this space...

on a less waffly note....the women in worcester seem to favour a lot of foundation..why?? the men in village pubs seem rather friendly...and certain men are absolute blinking stars!!

09:00 pm - shafted

shafted....hmmmm says it all really

well the weekend.........off we went where podling bless him amused us no end with his charming ways..........wills towed a virtual caravan......and stonehenge became invisible....life is never dull.....

shaftesbury.......where i expect they based the midwich cuckoos........was small and i rather hoped they were going to put up a wicker man and dance nekkid around it whilst no doubt burning nosey coppers.........but no such luck.

the hotel was amusing in a carnival haunted house sort of way....rickety floors.......flapping paper...you know the sort of thing....in the bar petie was holding court with his harem of women.........me and wills were made to sit miles away as obviously no man would be safe within our web of lust.......*isnt that what other women think???* always the lepers.........

right form the start i got the idea that i wasnt going ot have any big scary ghostie sighting and i was correct. the oddest thing was in room nine where i felt i was being my hair was being interfered with ....oh er missus... and the camcorder decided to switch itself off three times while coincidentally i was asking for a sign...

actually the thing which bugs me most was the way i felt compelled to lie on the floor..........i had a strong feeling that a woman had been lying there...probably just my mind working over time but it felt...strange. and i dont like the photo of it........it looks like a crime scene pic..not nice

the investigation was a bit disjointed and when i found out that one room was totally empty i nicked the key and dragged our little group in...where we watched very unsupernatural tv and i managed to hog the fourposter bed with andy keeping me warm.....i get cold okay???? was happy to have wills and poddy in room ......pity it wasnt a bigger bed!!!!!!!!!!!

*will soon have as bad reputation as certain other bed hopping fellows*

anyway as soon as we got home i missed the others like mad...i always do.....silly sod that i am..........cant help it!!

this week there has been sunshine.......think i suffer from s.a.d.....

i just want to say....i love my friends *cue nausea from less soppy people*

Current Mood: chipper

04:15 pm - one little thing

maybe nows the wrong time to write this...ive had a bad day...but i was coping well. until someone did something that sent me in a utter spiral. pain sharp as a knife cutting me to the vein. god i bleed so easy. *dont worry lil one i mean in a metaphorical sense* All my strength is such a fragile illusion, a glamour....the thin veil that hides my weaknesses....too many metaphors??? maybe but who cares its not an english lit essay. i hate the way it all falls apart at the drop of a hat..........i need foundations of stone...when instead i feel they are made of sand........... and then i jump back up.....oh my god how can i do that?? emotion and logic....both pairs in sense and sensibility...


okay work.........hahahahahhaha.........where do i begin....okay.........spent the first lesson trying ot teach literacy whilst two of the kids...hit each other with white boards...punched...flicked and poked at each other. when i calmed one of them down the other tried punching the other one to get a reaction....repeatedly. After mentioning how now one of them is ten they could get done for assault we had a nice discussion on how i am a dummy....and how they would like to go to prison so they wouldnt have to do school work. well never mind give him a few years and im sure he will find out.

oddly though we had a nice quiet numeracy lesson....maybe he just likes maths...its not uncommon to start a fight cos it easier to have a fight than look stupid!!

sooooooooooooooooooo lunchtime....my hell on earth.....god how id like to give this sucker up....no chance...so we had the usual suspects....swearing fighting kicking running around the school.........kicking their shoes over fences....oh its endless...the eternal cycle. and im okay....was coping nicely....then the head thought shed score points of me....nah no way doooooood not today!!!! so i fired in there with all my relevant points....the one which fucked me off most wa when she said its hell for us.....hell for her??????????? she sits there chilling in her suit..........im the one drained and in pain...unable to take my groups cos im doing the job of crap...........she can sack me i dont care..........in fact id laugh i guess..........shows how far ive come..........jeez its been a long path bitterly walked.....but its killing me right now...........

its no wonder im eating for england.........my heads messed up with it all..........bring on the punch bag!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: drained

11:13 pm - sleepy

ooooooooooh am so tired tonight. Dozed during most haunted..which made me quite cross because id been looking forward to it! i mean all the cobblers on telly and when i could have been having a bit of a giggle....there i am dozing!!
am still stressing about my binging....dont know whats wrong...seem to be in a bit of a downward spiral at the mo and i dont like it. it doesnt make me happy. roll on the summer being warm makes me slimmer. yeah i know your all thinking shes not that fat....thats cos i dont eat as much as id like!! and feeling out of control like this makes me worry! i know it sounds silly but i do.
work as chaotic as ever........8 working days and two weeks off..........oh gods i cant wait! need to get myself back again..where have i gone to??? maybe id better start taking the vitamins again!!!

Current Mood: blank

04:26 pm

Results:

hug from behind - you like to feel what the other person is feeling and see things how they see them. you tend to be serious and emotional.


hmmmmm wonder if ive got this right yet...........

11:18 pm - lambrini girl............

well another crappy day at work........had a kid snarling at me today..............i snarled back ..then i laughed madly. what else can you do?? god its madness......*mind snaps to suggs singing..."madness.....madness they call it madness..."

i have kids pulling faces at me..........swearing........sneering............i need hugs all day!! im powerless and no one is there to support me...
everything is on my back ....in my face....and down my throat..try being responsibe for something when you have no power to change or control the situation.........

guess im not a happy bunny tonight...........i dont know what to do about it.........yeah im a miserable cow....

so i have had a bath...and a glass of lambrini...and squirted smelly stuff on me....and had a chat..........*wonders where those frown lines came from............

Current Mood: drained

09:42 pm

oh cobblers...that went wrong....mine was about made up words......hmmmm says it all really

09:42 pm

How random are you?

this quiz was made by alanna

09:22 pm - sunshine

the sun shone today...i got very excited. im a summer person. everything seems better when the sun shines. i even did yoga today. havent done it for ages, i used to be pretty damn flexible. hate the way im always too tired to move. sluggish. that would describe me. sluggish........*imagines the amusement this word could elicite....maybe slothful would be better.

have just given into temptation and am eating a white chocolate ice cream lolly thing....im a sensualist when it comes to food...as long as i only buy boring food i dont eat.

Current Mood: chipper

12:06 pm - hungry!!

hmmmmmmmmmmm have noticed a certain food based theme to my writing....*ignores six slices of toast that she has just scoffed* well i was hungry okay!!!!!!!!!! Am excited today..and a little nervous. i want to have a nice day well duh!!! of course i do..am i stoooopid or what. im happy im going to see my friends. i miss everyone. my real world is not the world of daily toil and stress, my real world is the one where i snort with laughter *how attractive is that jacks???* and run about like a twelve year old. the world where my mental age can run riot, where my inner me gets full reign.

todays tarot cards are...for me..two pentacles...hm need to get some balance today then...*checks excitable statement above..hmmm okay*

ohhhhhhhhh i pulled the world for wills!! oh nice very optimistic!!

ohhhhhhh!! 9 of cups for poddy!! fulfilment of desire...resists urge to spend two hours going nudge nudge wink wink at him!!

*wonders why she has the boring card* becuase im unbalanced maybe....ah well....*staggers off*

Current Mood: excited

05:11 pm - keeping it together

funny isn't it how having a bit of a laugh can feed the soul just that little bit so you can carry on a bit longer and how it strengthens and builds you. sometimes i feel so weary but a few minutes giggling over a funny text or statement can make me feel so much better. praps i'm a saddo......*tries not to use the ever popular maybe word*

had a bad day today...............longed to walk out of school. its the holidays that kept me there today. dunno what i have to do to get support....wonder if lying on the floor sobbing would get me some attention. doubt it though....i'd just get bitched about and i can do that okay without getting dirty from the floor. i need help.......from the teachers from the staff..i'm getting lost with it. the teachers try but they are as swamped as i am. we are all running as fast as we can but we ain't getting nowhere. i actually feel so tired again.........how long did the lively me last?? two hours??

roll on the holidays is all i can say............

Current Mood: disappointed

08:25 pm - comfort eating is noooooooooooooooo comfort

i want to be slim..........you know...not skeletal just kinda slinky and not lumpy.like i was when i really didnt appreciate it. now i suffer the torments of the damnned....no no not captain sensible..when i stuff myself full of cake...and chilli crisps. maybe just fixing the lighting in my bedroom would be good..do you get cellulite friendly lighting??? maybe....*i see maybe is the word of the day here* maybe...i should just start exercising again...well that would be good if i had any energy...and yes yes i know that doing exercise makes you feel bouncier. well it might do when i'm not feeling like a leaden lump full of crisps..ah wretched woman....come on...make a resolve to do yoga again..come on you can see the sunshine now in the mornings.....oh well maybe...just maybe...

05:22 pm - one rule for one......

I guess id better apologize now cos this is going to be the ramblings of a sorely pressed woman...............why have the concept of fairness if life is so unfair!! Some people can buck the system endlessly and yet sail through life whilst others just tumble about buffeted by disaster and chaos. Why is this?? I mean why should some people have nicer lives than others??? why cant i be one of the chosen few who swan through life looking smart and cocking a snook at everyone else *imagines poddy reading this statement with bemusement...*

Have spent hours this afternoon trying to sort out one little incident...and its amazing how manipulative some kids can be. Ive wasted so much time going through the motions....and still they get away with so much crap...if id behaved like that as a kid...well...i would have been chucked out of school *realises she sounds like old granny...*

*tucks in to jaffa cakes then realises now the little gits are going to make her fat as well...............nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooo*

and dont even get me started on insurance companies..........................